Epiphany

So now that I'm 27, I'm suddenly very wise.

I've realized that my body is ridiculously addicted to caffeine and sugar, and that my spirit is ridiculously addicted to social activity.

So I've decided to drink less caffeine and get more rest. Weird concept, I know. But I am an old man now.

I think I'm in my late-20's as of Saturday, but a friend said I can still pass myself off as "mid-20's" for another year . . . phew.

We all know life ends at "late-20's".

But this week, I stopped drinking my energy drinks.

And Jordan Rubin inspired me to eat less sugar. And after getting several horrible migraines this week, I assumed it was caffeine withdrawal, so I drank a quarter cup of coffee or chewed caffeinated energy gum (which I've been using like nicorette, but with caffeine instead of nicotine). But the headaches persisted -- so I would drink a little sugar water -- and sure enough, the headaches went away (later I would find out that it was the combination of sugar and caffeine withdrawal causing the headaches).

Every frickin' thing has sugar in it. It's the second ingredient in beef jerky! (right after beef)...there's unbelievable amounts of it in sodas, cereals (even relatively good-for-you-ones), and even my beloved jamba juice (except for the new all-natural, all-fruit ones).
And I felt weird that I couldn't hang out with people since monday night -- 3 nights in a row of going straight home from work . . . creepy! I'm kinda insecure in that way . . . but I desperately needed the rest -- so I can be myself! I used to be fun! I used to enjoy life!

Now if you see me drinking something sugary or with caffeine on the weekend, it's because I'm going to try to be laid-back about it on the weekends . . . this isn't some legalistic diet here -- just a trend I want to follow up on -- so don't go "Aw, Nate-dog, I read your blog and you're not supposed to drink sugar or caffeine! I'm just tryin' to keep you accountable..."

Thanks. But if you say that, I'll smack you.

And if you see me being social on a 'school night', don't go "Aw, Nate-dog, you should go home and get some rest!"

Thanks. But if you say that, I'll assume you just want me to go home so you can flirt with a girl I like while I'm not there, and I'll harbor resentment and bitterness towards you until years later.

But seriously, I'll still do too much stuff during the week sometimes, and I'll still eat and drink sugar and caffeine sometimes . . . but now I know about my addictions. I honestly wasn't aware of how serious they were before.

And, as my generation is well aware, knowing is half the battle.

--NMR

The Reprise

i used to believe in cremation. my body, an empty shell, would burn, and my ashes would be scattered to the four winds. riddance to a rigid cage.

my father said my view would change. he said i would come to love my earthly body and grow attached to it over time.

i still despise my carnal prison. i still want to shed it.

but i love this concept of resurrection. that which dies . . . changes, lives again. new. different. better.

and someday, when my Christ returns, i want my cells and systems to regenerate. something out of nothing. miraculous creation of matter -- a process? maybe -- but miraculous: life from death -- flesh will grow over dead bone like ivy through an arbor. veins like vines. and blood will flow from nowhere to nevermind.

and then, strong, my fists, and fists of others will beat their way through pine and oak, clawing through six feet of moist topsoil, sprouting forth from the earth like spring flora, and my body will stand again. like oak from acorn. rebirth. phoenix out of ash. the dawn after dark.

i have just woken up. i dreamed what could have been and saw what really is. i have stood outside of time and seen each choice i have made and i saw

how we are destined to fail and succeed and fall and rise and die and live

from the largest to the smallest, it echoes this one great story, from the greatest to the least, we all suffer undeservedly and reap a humble reward

and emerge

Inexpressibly Victorious

just to understand Him better.

--Nathan MacFarland Rodgers

Zero at the Bone

A funny thing happens to introverts when they start spending too much time alone. They find that they are so good at keeping themselves company, that they slowly lose the desire to be social, and ultimately forget how to relate to others altogether. I began a great retreat inward at the end of my college career. I wasn't quite sure where to go to make friends at that time of my life, and eventually began losing the desire to make friends. I got fat. I got lazy. I had more fun with video games and movies alone in my room than I did with other people. This trend continued through my last years in State College, PA and throughout my year in Wilmington, NC. Having absolutely no money contributed to the trend. People always want to go out and spend money at clubs, restaurants and theaters. The 5 free rentals a week for working at Blockbuster were even more incentives to stay at home.

I thought I was a freak for experiencing this self-induced isolation. There's a chapter in 'Blue Like Jazz' where the author talks about a very similar scenario in his life. It's a pattern. It's something that happens to most introverts.

But an even stranger thing has been occurring since I've moved to L.A. I think for most of my time here, I've been overly social. I've been neglecting that self-reflective, quiet part of myself. I try to spend every waking moment I'm not at work with friends. Certainly, this has been healthier for me than the isolation was, but I've noticed at times I'm almost burnt-out by trying to be with people so often. People drain me. I like being 'drained' now on a regular basis, but I haven't taken much time getting 'charged up.' People have probably noticed that I'm tired all the time. People have probably noticed that I can't pay attention to what they're saying (I've always been ADD like that) because my head is spinning, making sure I'm not going to miss out on the next social event that's going to happen or that I don't miss that girl I want to talk to coming out of the theater. Like so many things in this fallen world, one negative trend replaced itself with an equal and opposite negative trend, when the ideal is obviously a balance. In the back of my head, I guess I think I'm just making up for lost time.

It's like the forest animals having plenty of food, so they reproduce a lot. Then the next generation is overpopulated and they eat their entire food supply, so most of them die of starvation -- but then, the food replenishes itself, and once again there are few animals with plenty of food.

I'm hoping I can find a balance this year -- a balance between time spent with guys and time spent with girls, a balance between time spent reading and time spent watching movies, a balance between hanging out with new people I don't usually hang out with and hanging out with good, close friends, a balance between surfing around on myspace, and well . . . doing anything other than surfing around on myspace . . .

I just wish there were a way to have a balance between working my ass off and relaxing a little more . . . maybe writing a nice blog from time to time . . . sleeping in once in a while during the week . . . playing more music . . . writing more music . . .

And so much potential alone time in L.A. is wasted in my glass and metal cage, sitting on the 101, breathing in nasty noxious smogginess. ( I am quite thankful for my glass and metal Subaru cage, but not for the amount of time I spend in it) . . .

Maybe I'll go buy some more good, positive music . . . or some books on CD for inspiration . . .